Men. The following is what I believe to be your thought process when choosing profile pictures.
Scenario One: ”Fuck yeaaaa Tinder! Bout to get me some! Lemme put up that really fucking blurry one from Rob’s party two years ago because that shit is HILARIOUS. Man, when Jake drank that bong water I thought I was going to puke from laughing so hard! LMFAO!”
Scenario Two: “Ok dude, you know your bros are all you need but I guess you should try to round up a bitch here and there. Ok, let’s goooo wiiiithhh…..aw yeah, this one - me and my lacrosse boys out after our D3 tourney. Holy shit were we wasteddddd. OHHH and this one! Me and my boys in Vegas last year. Look at that shit! We all have the same giant guitar souvenir cups!!! Fuck yea. Fuck. yes.”
Scenario Three: “I need a picture that encompasses me in one frame…YES, this one of me climbing the Andes and enjoying the view at sunrise. Shows I’m poignant, into fitness, and nothing of my face”
Scenario Four: ”GOD DAMN do I love huntin’ and fishin’! If these ladies don’t see that with all the camo in my other pics, I gotta put up fishin’ pictures! Now which one do I pick….fuck it. Let’s throw three up there of indiscernible gill-bearing aquatic creatures! Aw, I remember that 30 incher!! Hell of a day, I tell yah.”
? Just….? I mean, blurry pictures….literally the photography equivalent to poor grammar. If you don’t care, I don’t care. LEFT. Why, for the love of all the gods, would you put ALL group photos up?? Who are you?? Are you the midget with the unibrow or the brown-haired, blue-eyed, scruffy prince? Because guess what? ALL THE SAME PEOPLE ARE PRESENT IN EVERY.SINGLE.PICTURE. Stop making me find Waldo. LEFT. What a beautiful mountain scene! I especially love the Patagonia logo on your upper left shoulder. All this picture proves is that you climbed something, somewhere, sometime & that you have legs. Crapshoot with two eyes, nose, mouth, lips…teeth. LEFT. If there was an option to upgrade to “Fish Filter” Tinder, I would do it faster than Instagram pulled Sharkeisha’s video. Fresh fish is nasty. Not to mention you’re actively murdering it in the picture *BIG SMILES NOW!*. I’m in no way vegetarian/vegan/lacto-ovo-paleo-centric, but there’s just something about fish pictures on Tinder. And that something is that I hate them. LEFT.
I’m not here to give advice. But I am here to tell you you’re doing it wrong.